84 days...

Oh my... where do i begin...my heart is heavy and I cannot sleep. I feel like I MUST write or I will not sleep. So... here goes....

I had a great day with my kids today...a much needed day of distraction, because it is hard for me to think that i can go on living each day as i would normally.  I'll explain, but let me continue for a moment...I have four kids here with me now, and one that lives in Ghana. One that I have labored, very literally for over the last year, to bring here.  We have been in proactive mode.  Basically, over the last year, we have been in "what do we need to do to get Stephen here" mode.  And we have worked. hard.  Steve has pulled 12 hour and a few times 15 hour shifts. Back in September when i hurt my shoulder so badly, he picked up my work at Fedex and hasn't quit. So, Steve is working a full time job, continuing the part time job with Fedex, and considering finding a part time job on the weekends.  I work several part time jobs. One at Fedex, one at Cooks on Main, a weekly paper delivery with my boys, and a cleaning job with Montana.  The reason I'm sharing that with you is to let you know that we have "labored" for the cause and sole purpose of bringing Stephen home to us....Most days I feel very much like either sleeping or crying.  I'm tired.  Literally. Figuratively. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Tired.

We got a letter from the USCIS. It wasn't pretty.  Let me just say that I don't like getting mail that is on pink paper.  Let alone 5 pages of it.  Basically, they listed all the shortcomings of our submission of our I-600 ( you remember from my last post that the I-600 is the document we file with the US government to obtain permission to get Stephen), and which we kinda expected...since we haven't gone about things in the usual way or through an adoption agency, but what we got was not what we expected....

 One of the things has to do with our home study done here in the U.S. which I will be calling about on this Tuesday (since Monday is a holiday).  That one, I'm pretty sure can be rectified pretty quickly.  The next thing though...was tough to take.  It was titled, Evaluation of Adequate Finances Missing.  Here let me share one sentence with you...."Your current income does not appear to meet the Department of Health and Human Services' (HHS) minimum poverty guidelines for the requested number of children." I'm not sure I can adequately put into words what that did to the inside of me.  Part of that is due to the fact that we had been in the U.S. just over a year and were not able to submit any tax returns for the work that had been done here in Williston, and part of that has to do with our debt... and part of that...is... well...true.  I felt like my soul got either sucker-punched or the breath knocked out of me, or just taken and me trying to grasp anything that was left.  The reality of us living below the minimum poverty line was stark and harsh. I'm not sure even where to go with that....What if we can't get Stephen because we don't make enough? And WHY IN THE WORLD DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?!!! If we can provide food in some one's belly, clothing on their back, and shelter over their head...isn't that enough??!!  I felt like we were not enough...that's what I felt....The reason we came back to the States is because we couldn't keep making it. Steve was unable to find work in Ghana and things needed to change for us.  We came back so that we could support ourselves independently and get in a better position financially, so that we could live responsibly and take care of matters that we had gotten ourselves into.  And we have, but apparently one year of that...or rather less than a year of that..doesn't look so hot on paper.  I'll get to the solution at the end...but for now...I'm going to continue with problems/challenges we now face.  The next has to do the definition of an orphan...because our paperwork says that Stephen's mother Linda was willing to relinquish all rights towards Stephen so that Steve and I could adopt him does not qualify him as an orphan.  There is so much in this part....it is hard for me to go into...what it comes down to is that USCIS does not know our story. They're just looking at the facts.  Those are what the facts say.  We need to submit more facts for them to get the whole picture.  Hiring an attorney to help us navigate through all the legalities should be a big help as well.

I got that letter Friday night after coming home from work.  I began to read it and i just wanted to cry or throw up or both.  I think it was the closest I've ever felt despair.  How could i keep living each day as i normally would when it seems like my world is crashing in?  How would i keep going on when it seems like everything we have worked for has been for nothing?  

And then I texted Steve...it was close to time for him to get off work anyways...this was just something that I couldn't bear alone.  Do you know what he said when I was all a mess??...and couldn't even speak coherently??...He told me we would fight this.  That we would get an adoption lawyer...and that we would do everything we could.  He is my rock in this raging sea.  He has a steady course and can see the way that we will go...when I can't see past the tears.   HE. HAS. ALWAYS. BEEN. LIKE. THIS.  It is who he is.  Sometimes I get frustrated with him about his seemingly having "one speed" as i call it....but the man stays the course, he is faithful, and he is determined.  Now, let me make this clear...he is not THE rock, but he is a rock to me. and... if Jesus is THE rock, and we're supposed to be like Him...then Steve is doing a pretty good job in that department.

So....our solution.  Fight.  We are no longer in plan mode. We are no longer in "just do what we got to do" mode.  We are in full battle array.  People, we are going to pray...we are going to work, and be ready for battle...we are going to stand and stand up for ourselves....

We are going to fight in prayer and we are going to work to get what we need done.  We have 84 days to make that happen. That's the time line we were given.  Please, I beg you, pray for us.  Pray for health and stamina for Steve and I.  Pray for us to get just the right adoption lawyer.  Pray for Stephen that he can understand and be patient yet a while longer.  Pray for my kids here, that they would understand and forgive their mother for her shortcomings and emotionalness (is that even a word?!) during this trying time as I'm afraid they often get the short end of the deal.  Pray that we WILL see a happy end to all of this.  And pray that the Lord would return, for THAT would be very much better!